Domestic violence (DV) is not physical violence alone. Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence, dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship. Abuse is a learned behavior; it is not caused by anger, mental health problems, drugs or alcohol, or other common excuses.

Domestic violence affects more than 12 million people every year. Abuse happens regardless of gender, age, sexuality, race, economic status, ability, citizenship status, or any other factor or identity. On average, more than 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men in the US will experience rape, physical violence, and/or stalking by an intimate partner. Women ages 18 to 24 and 25 to 34 generally experience the highest rates of intimate partner violence.

Anyone can be abusive and anyone can be the victim of abuse. Abuse is a learned behavior; some people witness it in their own families growing up, and others learn it slowly from friends, popular culture, or structural inequities throughout our society. No matter where they develop such behaviors, those who commit abusive acts make a choice in doing so — they also could choose not to. Many times, individuals that abuse may not appear abusive to those outside of the relationship; they can be very charismatic and seem harmless, and even hold positions of power and authority in the community.

Verbal abuse and physical abuse are easily identifiable. But you must also be aware of some of the more indirect evidence of domestic violence so that intervention can occur as early and safely as possible. Some signs you may be in an abusive relationship include:

• Being afraid of your partner
• Constantly apologizing for your partner’s behavior
• Feeling like you can’t go out with friends or family because of your partner’s jealousy
• Being forced or pressured to have sex by your partner
• Being denied money for necessary expenses, barred from getting a job, or required to turn over all of your money to their financial control
• Being threatened with arrest or being reported to the authorities by your partner
• Your partner throws things at you in anger, or your partner has destroyed your personal belongings
• Intimidation with threatening looks or actions from your partner
• Prevention from leaving a room or your home by resistance or blocking a doorway

Domestic violence is not an isolated event. Each incident builds on what has happened before, and the abuse typically becomes more frequent and severe. Remember, it is not about anger or being under the influence, but about control of a partner. While there may be recognizable patterns going on in a relationship (ex. you know your partner tends to get more confrontational after going out drinking) the violence rarely occurs in a predictable cycle. There may be periods of time where things may be calmer, but those times are followed by a buildup of tension and abuse, which usually results in the abuser peaking with intensified abuse. This pattern then often starts to repeat, commonly becoming more and more intense as time goes on. Each relationship is different and not every relationship follows the exact pattern. Regardless, abusers purposefully use numerous tactics of abuse to instill fear in the victim and maintain control over them.

Physical assault and battery are crimes no matter where they take place—on the street or in the home. So is harassment, stalking and sexual assault. Law enforcement agencies in our area consider domestic violence a very serious crime and hold perpetrators accountable for their actions. However, it’s important to note that you do not have to involve law enforcement in order to seek any supportive services from PREVAIL.

People who abuse often come up with excuses and frequently blame their partner, deny the abuse and minimize the severity of their violence. There is never an excuse for abusing anyone and no possible reason for brutality or coercion in a loving relationship. We all get angry at people we care for, but domestic violence is beyond anger; it is all about enforcing power and control over the other partner in the relationship.

If you believe someone is in immediate physical danger, call 911 just as you’d want someone to do for you; domestic violence can be dangerous for everyone, including bystanders and family, so please proceed with caution. If you suspect that someone is trapped in a pattern of domestic violence, call our 24-hour, confidential helpline for insight and advice. You don’t have to give your name. Our Specialists can help you think through what to say or do to help the victim find safety.

It’s always beneficial to confide in a friend or family member and seek out support outside of the relationship if you can. Your safety is the utmost priority, so devise a plan on how you can maintain your safety. It’s important to know that it can be most dangerous as you consider and/or attempt to leave an abusive relationship. If you are currently in an unsafe or abusive relationship, you can reach out to one of our Specialists 24/7 to discuss your situation and we’ll help you to identify any available options to help ensure your safety; we’re here when you’re ready.

Watching someone endure an abusive situation can be difficult under any circumstances, and it’s not always clear how best to respond when you see the warning signs of abuse. Your instinct may be to “save them” from the relationship, but abuse is never that simple and this approach can backfire. There are many ways that abuse appears and there are many reasons why people stay in abusive situations. Understanding how power and control operate in the context of abuse and how to shift power back to those affected by domestic violence are some of the most important ways to support survivors in your life. Things you can do:

• Acknowledge that their situation is difficult, scary, and brave of them to regain control from.
• Don’t judge their decisions, or criticize them or guilt them over a choice they make.
• Remember that you cannot “rescue them,” and that decisions about their lives are up to them to make.
• Don’t speak poorly of the abusive partner.
• Help them create a safety plan.
• Help them by storing important documents or a “to-go bag” in case of an emergency situation.
• Encourage them to participate in activities outside of their relationship with friends and family, and be there to support them in such a capacity.
• Offer to go with them to any service provider or legal setting for moral support.
• Continue to be supportive of them if they do end the relationship and are understandably lonely, upset, or return to their abusive partner.